Chandeliers is the embodiment of my love of any and all music. Going into this piece, I had no concept of what exactly I wanted except something that was bigger than any one idea. I wanted to evoke the ever-changing struggles of daily life with mental illness with music that doesn’t stay too grounded while also ensuring that the piece itself is coherent and thematically harmonious.

The piece is divided into four major sections. The first three define and conceptualize a specific psychological condition, including the general perception of said condition and how that has affected my life, and the fourth binds them all together in a way that I intend to evoke closure and harmony rather than the discord that will be present throughout much of the work.

I. Introduction :: Isolation

DEPRESSION: A persistent low mood or loss of interest. Everyone is sad sometimes, but depression’s characteristic feature lies in one word: Persistent. Individuals with depression have frequent, uncontrollable bouts of low mood and lack of interest that persist for weeks or months and often have seemingly benign triggers. I have gripes with the way people view depression, particularly those who believe that it can easily be fixed by going outside, exercising, getting more sleep, or other various things that, while they do have a documented positive effect on mood, are exceedingly difficult to do when one is severely depressed.

The worst part of my depression was always the feeling of being alone. I have a loving family and plenty of people who care about me, but it’s exceedingly difficult to see that support when your mind is bent on self-destruction. It’s a paradoxical combination of trying to hide from reality while simultaneously hoping that somebody can see what’s happening, but denying any problems when they do. Among this list, depression is unique in that people who have it are almost never open about it, and people who don’t often don’t know what to look for.

II. Urgency and Consequence

ATTENTION DEFICIT HYPERACTIVITY DISORDER: A condition characterized by persistent difficulty establishing and maintaining focus and concentration. While many people believe many absurd things about this condition (Everybody loses focus sometimes so it isn’t real, it doesn’t occur in adults, etc.), I believe that this stems from just how complicated it is and how little we truly understand it.

To put it very briefly, Individuals with ADHD experience the benefits of their work in different ways. While people with average executive function can usually perform a task based on reward or consequence, people with ADHD view tasks in terms of interest, novelty, and urgency. This means that tasks that are new and exciting are likely to be completed early, while other, less interesting tasks may not be done until the last minute. This is often falsely misattributed to laziness or procrastination. Most important here is the lack of reward as a motivating factor, meaning that the promise of a prize, money, or other benefit usually does not apply when considering why someone with ADHD may prioritize a specific task, which is a large part of why many people have such difficulty understanding it.

III. Unease

GENERALIZED ANXIETY: A condition characterized by excessive and uncontrollable worry, generally without reason. While some anxiety is healthy and normal, individuals with anxiety are usually not able to perform important (and often straightforward) tasks, which affects quality of life. While this varies from person to person, this manifests in me most commonly as an inability to interact with new people, particularly if I cannot see them face to face, e.g. a phone call. It also prevents me from going places or doing things that I am not familiar with, and I have lost track of how many events or get-togethers I have canceled for this reason. What people may view as being “unreliable” or “flaky” is more accurately put as being anxious about the unknown.

IV. The Act of “Being”

After 25 years of this being their normal, how does one decide to seek assistance for these issues and try to create a new normal for themselves? When I sought treatment, I didn’t anticipate the years of relearning myself that I would have to undergo before I truly felt that I had overcome these issues to a satisfactory level. However, once I reached that point, I knew that my only regret was not doing it sooner.

More importantly, how can those who do not live with any of these conditions better support those who do?